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The Ten Commandments Of Employment If it rings, put it on hold. If it clunks, call the repairman. If it whistles, ignore it. If it's a friend, stop work and chat. If it's the boss, look busy. If it talks, take notes. If it's handwritten, type it. if it's typed, copy it. If it's copied, file it. If it's Friday, forget it!

Work vs Prison IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle. IN PRISON... you get three meals a day. AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior. IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON... you get your own toilet. AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat. IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family. IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out. AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK... they are called managers. So why is it, again, that we work?

All Is Fair In Business A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.' He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.' The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'

Eager To Impress The Boss A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

The Requirements Of This Job  Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

What makes life 100%?  Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful. If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 then: H A R D W O R K 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% K N O W L E D G E 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% but: A T T I T U D E 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100% and: B U L L S H I T 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103% So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top. And look how far this will take you... A S S K I S S I N G 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118% Think about it... and have a nice day at work... :)

Hello boss? I can't come to work today... If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source on exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet... I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling. My stigmata's acting up. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet. I prefer to remain an enigma. My step other has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it. I can't come to work today because the Environmental Protection Agency has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates. I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share. I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead.

The Spoon (A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.) Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift. As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed. I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of your you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent." After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Memo Degredation Memo from CEO to Manager: Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. Staff should meet in the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost. Memo from Manager to Department Head: Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will appear for two minutes. For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles. The CEO will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some information. This is not something that can be seen every day. Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager: The CEO will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the form of an eclipse. This is something that cannot be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven. This will be safe, if you pay a moderate cost. Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor: Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the CEO will eclipse the sun for two minutes. This doesn't happen every day. It will be safe, and as usual it will cost you. Memo from Supervisor to staff: Some staff will go to the car park today to see the CEO disappear. It is a pity this doesn't happen everyday.

The Plan In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of sh*t, and it stinks." And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is the container of the excrements, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it." And the Mangers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength." And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful." And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects." And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good. And the Plan became Policy. And that is how sh*t happens.

The Best Boss in the World Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

A Bizarre Interview Technique A man walks into a building and tells the manager that he wants to join their organization. The manager says, "Okay, but there is one rule you have to follow. You cannot get an erection while you are trying to join this group." The man says O.K. He is striped of his clothing. A bell is tied around his penis and he is put into a room with nine other men who are also trying to join. Then a naked woman is sent walking across the room and nine bells are quiet, and his is ringing away. The man begs for another chance and is given this chance. The woman walks by again and again the man's bell rings again. The manager says to the man, "Pick up your stuff and go. You are unfit for this organization." As the man bends down to pick up his stuff, the other nine bells start ringing.

Differences Between You And Your Boss When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.  When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.  When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.  When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.  When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm.  When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.  When you please your boss, you're ass-kissing. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.  When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.  When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.  When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

Things You Wish You Could Say At Work Ahhh... I see the f--k-up fairy has visited us again... I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. How about never? Is never good for you? I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... I don't work here. I'm a consultant. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh-t. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. No, my powers can only be used for good. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication. Who me? I just wander from room to room. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...? Do I look like a people person? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left. You!... Off my planet! Does your train of thought have a caboose? Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. A PBS mind in an MTV world. Allow me to introduce my selves. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? Too many freaks, not enough circuses. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Chaos, panic, and disorder... my work here is done. How do I set a laser printer to stun? I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks. If I throw a stick, will you leave? Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

 

At The Job Interview One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers. "I can fix that with some Aspirin. I'll just take some and be better in a second." So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away. The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing!" The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking."

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

I Hate My Job Day When you have an "I hate my job" day try this: On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip." Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the written material that accompanies the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is personally tested." Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip Company."

Early Retirement Due to the financial situation within the farming industry, the Government has decided to place all farmers over the age of 60 on an early retirement scheme. The scheme (Retire Agricultural Personnel Early) will be known as RAPE. Persons selected to be RAPED can apply for (Special Help After Farm Termination) or SHAFT. Those who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will then be reviewed under the (Scheme for Retired Early Workers) or SCREW. Please note: You can only be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice but SCREWED as many times as the Government deem appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Rural Personnel on Early Severance) Those Farmers remaining in the Industry will receive as much Special High Intensity Training or (SHIT) and Caring Responsive Assistance Programme or (CRAP) as possible. As you are aware, the Government has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT and CRAP it gives to Farmers. Should you feel however, you are not receiving enough SHIT, or that you are not responding to all the CRAP, please bring this to the attention of the Minister as he has been especially trained to give you all the SHIT and CRAP that you can handle.

In 1998 a business magazine ran a contest asking for Dilbert-like quotes from people who had real-life Dilbert-like managers. Here are some of the winners. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (Microsoft Corporation - this one took first place) What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping) How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft Development Team) E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company) This project is so important that we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising /Mktg. Mgr., UPS) Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks, and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.) My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers) Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing Executive, Citrix Corporation) My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists) We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Long Lines Division) We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft Legal Affairs Division) As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. He showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation) This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally circulated memo: "Lucent Technologies is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supercede, the expectations of quality!" (Lucent Technologies - formerly a division of AT&T)

The Pheasant And The Bull A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy." 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients." The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree. Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Applied Mathematics The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. 4 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're just sitting there reading jokes all day!

Native American Indian In Cafe An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want um coffee". The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up". He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want um coffee". The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway"? The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, leave a mess for others to clean up, and disappear for rest of day.

Drum Up Business Many years ago, a large American shoe company sent two sales representatives out to different parts of the Australian outback to see if they could drum up some business among the Aborigines. Some time later, the company received telegrams from both agents. The first said, "No business here... natives don't wear shoes." The second one said, "Great opportunity here... natives don't wear shoes!"

It's Not What You Know  John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the US Army. He served for 20 years beginning in the late 1930s. He was an investigator during the Nuremberg trials of Nazi war criminals, and stayed in Germany for many years organising civilian police forces in the post-war era. He also wrote numerous books on criminal justice. He retired from military service in the late 1950s at the rank of full colonel. Returning to Fresno, California, he began teaching criminology at what was then Fresno State College (later to become the California State University, Fresno). His work was well respected, but after about ten years of service, he was called to see the president of the college. He was informed that he could no longer teach with just a bachelor's degree. Times were changing, he was told, and the school demanded that faculty members hold a graduate degree. Merely having 20 years of distinguished experience was no longer considered sufficient qualification to teach. All new faculty were being required to hold a doctorate, it was explained, and the school was actually doing him a favour by letting him keep his job by getting 'only' a master's degree. So John enrolled in a summer program at an out of state college. Three months of intensive seminars and then nine months of home study would get him his MA. On the first day of class, the instructor was taking roll. He stopped when he read John's name. "Are you related to the John Kallam who wrote the textbook we'll be using?" he asked. "I am the John Kallam who wrote the textbook you're using," came the dry response.